Tuesday, 27 March 2012

prayer changes !!!!!

Have you ever been down and have no where to run and no one to talk to ? When days are dark the only person you can turn to is the lord your god.
Many have had problems and cried. Saying they have tried it all but have not heard answers but they forget that there is 1 person who will be by your side through it all..... That's god.
Life has its up and downs but you know what god has and will nevr give you challenges you are not capable of handling.
There is a song by sfiso ncwane saying kulungile baba. It means through it all its okay because whatever happens its because of gods will. Its okay to cry but don't cry for long because the devil will rejoice. Even when people are laughing at you its okay, even when your world is falling apart its okay, even when everyone has turned their backs on you its okay, all that is happening its okay, even when its good days or bad days its okay, even when people throw our faith to the floor its okay ,even when things are not okay its okay, even when you have lost all hope and it hurts its okay, even when you have problems......... ITS OKAY BECAUSE ITS GODS WILL.
You know there are people who sleep without food but they still do not go hungry because gods love,faith is filled in their stomachs. So I say to you all never doubt your lord. He has a plan for you.
Another song is by Labi something inside so strong. When I first heard that song I never went a day without playing. "Something inside so strong I know I can make it. You thought my pride was gone. The more you refuse to hear my voice the louder the louder I will sing. If you hide behind the walls of jerico the wall will come tumbling down on you. " Those are some of the words from the song. Guys god is always with us but we only talk to him when we in need and he has never judged as.
So its easter time. Take the time and reflect on yourself and ask yourself am I doing things right?
Don't ever loss hope. We are running a christian race and yes we shall concor it all. Don't let people put you down cause that's the devil talking in them.
May you all have a blessed easter. And let us keep our faith and run the race.
Stay blessed. !!!!!


Peter blue!!!!

So I have realized that every new friend or guy let me put it that way. After meeting someone new I tend to lie about my minor bad habit I have encountered.
I started smoking back in high school but was not addicted. I managed to quiet two years before I finished school but when I started university and its stress I had no option but to go back to my little stress reliever called peter styvesant. Aka peter blue. I usually see people look at me when I smoke. They might be thinking is she trying to be cool? Hahaha I have heard it all. But the reason I smoke is because I panic a lot. I stress more than any average person and I suffer from anxiety attacks so it helps keep my blood pressure low n normal. Every guy I have dated has had a problem with my smoking but I tell them you found me like this you shall leave me like this. The only favour I do is not smoke in front of my boyfriend.
When I fell pregnant with ntokozo when I was six months I took a break because I didn't want complications and after she turned 3 months I went back because anxiety was hitting me hard.
So next time you see someone smoke please do not judge them. Ask yourself if there is a reason why they do such cause the answer to that will shock you.
You should see the look on black women when they see me smoke. You would swear I killed someone hahahahha. Black people are so judgmental.

Sunday, 25 March 2012


Would you rather be wealthy and unhappy? or happy but not so wealthy?
i was raised i a home where i got everything i wanted. all i had to do was say and it was done. now that i am 24 yrs old that life seems to get boring by the day. my parents have a tendency of wanting to control me in everything i do. from the men i dated , to the cloths i wear even who i socialise with. it gets on my nerve lately cause all my parents do is put their nose where it doesn't belong, what frustrates me is now they have this thing of wanting to control me of how i raise my daughter. my parents have never been people to show affection. if you were sad or miserable they would take out the bank card and tell you to spoil yourself till you feel better. they would never sit down with you and talk. now i am trying to be a good parents to my kid but yho these two are really giving me hell. i have come to a point where i really do resent them a bite but sometime i think they doing whats best for me but also i feel at my age my parents should let me be my own flower and not let be part of my stem .
i am the last born from my dad and only child with my mother so you can only imagine how much my parents are expecting fro me. i feel like i am holding the world on my shoulders and yet it is just my parents.
i don't have the guts to tell them to leave me alone cos they would cut me off financially lol lol and that is a shit hard thing for them to do .
i am tired of living a life under my parents Shadow. i need to be me and find my own identity but not according to those two ...........i can already see myself married and my parents wanting to control my marriage. tjo hai !!!!
they keep yelling at me saying i am very ungrateful and do not appreciate the love and support they give me. would i be writing this if i was getting the love and support i wanted??
 like really now but each time i open my mouth my dad says this education of yours is giving you a big head....than why did you send me to school dad?? to shut up? please!!!!

on the other hadn i sometimes think maybe old age is kicking in hard......


Sunday, 18 March 2012


Hi guys.....
As you all know i am raising puffins by myself . i have a loving boyfriend who supports me in any way possible and gives me unconditional love. now ntokozo's father and i split long time ago and i have learnt to forgive him for all the pain that he caused me.i had already decided that i would never tell ntokozo about her father even when she asks me about him. few days ago i received a phone call from him telling me he wanted to talk.....
dam was i nervous but at the same time i wanted to know what was so important that would make him travel from Kimberly to Johannesburg to want to talk to me.
so this past weekend i meet up with him and hes family. on arrival i was welcomed like never before by his mother and the rest of the family. now bare i was never their favourite person. i have had anger in me. we were suppose to be the perfect couple but shit happened which i cannot go into detail but in short i never had my fairytale ending.
we sat down and he explained to me how sorry he was for all the pain and hardship he had put me through and would like us to give it another go..
where does forgiveness come in here? do you drop whatever you have and run back to his arms or do you just tell yourself that was your history let it be.
we have a daughter together so i will always love him but where does one draw the line with forgiveness and moving on??

how do you forgive someone you love who was suppose to be by your side when you were giving birth to your first born daughter? can these two people in the picture who were once in love be able to put back the pieces? with so much that has happened how do you find it in your heart to tell someone you forgive them?

Thursday, 1 March 2012

cuttting the umbilical cord

Hey guys!!!
I must say each week i learn something new about motherhood . I have always wondered why even at my age my mom still treats me like her baby. At times i get  annoyed because i mean i am a mother now with my own family but not in her eyes. I never understood that until what i experienced this week with Ntokozo.
She was suppose to start nursery school a month ago but i keep postponing it. Not sure why but each time i think of her being alone or with all the other kids i get cold feet. To be honest i am not ready to for that .Is this normal ? i have never left her with strangers before its a difficult matter.

I have never said this but i am raising Ntokozo with my parents. Her father and i wanted different things in life so we parted. Its not easy but i am happy. Please don't feel sorry or sad because i am very proud!
This week i came across myself thinking that what kind of child will Ntokozo be without a father? Don't get me wrong my dad has been there for me n her every step and has tried to fufil the grandfather role along with the father role but here is the thing what will i tell my daughter in 20years time when it is time to tell her the truth that her father never wanted her.........
Each day in my head i think of stories i could tell Ntokozo when the time comes to tell her the truth; 1-ntokozo your father died while crossing the border to another country.
2-He was a well known gangster who got mixed up with the wrong people eKasi.

I'm still thinking of more excuses but a close person to me once said how about you tell her the truth ......
hard as it may be i don't think i will ever do that.